Thursday, December 01, 2005
what's worth
my recent resignation at my workplace has created a stir in the already active office politics.
they have suspected that i will join a competing company.
a strings of events followed but i am just a pebble at the beach so the dust will settle after the news gets digested. though i am touched by the extend of the concern that someone has for me.
i've been told that i am stubborn as an ox and i agree to that. there is nothing wrong being stubborn and i truely am happy and touched that he went to lengths to protect me. though of course i have a mind of my own. that is the stubborn part in the equation.
whatever the case, thank you. i appreciate your protectiveness. i can take care of myself and i trust my judgement so please just say that you're proud of me and dont say that i am wrong because i will have to then prove you wrong.
i like what i do and i am certain i can do more at the new company. so give me your blessings.
there is a sense of inner peace, a sense of confidence that i am beginning to grasp. no wonder they say that comes with age.
i'll tell you more about my new job next spring, meantime, im going to taiwan! taipei.
cool.
i've never really made a holiday with a friend-- an old and good friend and i want us to have a wonderful time. this will be a memory i bring to old age i believe. plus we're there to find another age old friend, so it is a union for three. i sound too old dont i? im just crazy.
dont ask me to buy anything ok, i already have my bags full. im going to stock up my entire year's waredrobe and my sis' waredrobe and my dad's waredrobe and my mom's waredrobe and my husband's waredrobe. i often wonder why i write in that order of appearance and wonder if that is order of importance. my sis is the dearest thing to me and so is my husband and so is my dad and so is my mom. so what ever order it is, it is becos our mind tends to think linear. there is NO ORDER in fact. all if them are equally important.
i again often wonder if anyone of you reading this actually knows what im rattling about most of the time. but then i should really write like no one's listening isnt it?
they have suspected that i will join a competing company.
a strings of events followed but i am just a pebble at the beach so the dust will settle after the news gets digested. though i am touched by the extend of the concern that someone has for me.
i've been told that i am stubborn as an ox and i agree to that. there is nothing wrong being stubborn and i truely am happy and touched that he went to lengths to protect me. though of course i have a mind of my own. that is the stubborn part in the equation.
whatever the case, thank you. i appreciate your protectiveness. i can take care of myself and i trust my judgement so please just say that you're proud of me and dont say that i am wrong because i will have to then prove you wrong.
i like what i do and i am certain i can do more at the new company. so give me your blessings.
there is a sense of inner peace, a sense of confidence that i am beginning to grasp. no wonder they say that comes with age.
i'll tell you more about my new job next spring, meantime, im going to taiwan! taipei.
cool.
i've never really made a holiday with a friend-- an old and good friend and i want us to have a wonderful time. this will be a memory i bring to old age i believe. plus we're there to find another age old friend, so it is a union for three. i sound too old dont i? im just crazy.
dont ask me to buy anything ok, i already have my bags full. im going to stock up my entire year's waredrobe and my sis' waredrobe and my dad's waredrobe and my mom's waredrobe and my husband's waredrobe. i often wonder why i write in that order of appearance and wonder if that is order of importance. my sis is the dearest thing to me and so is my husband and so is my dad and so is my mom. so what ever order it is, it is becos our mind tends to think linear. there is NO ORDER in fact. all if them are equally important.
i again often wonder if anyone of you reading this actually knows what im rattling about most of the time. but then i should really write like no one's listening isnt it?
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
i am blessed
i am the most blessed person i know
i got many well wishes from my friends and relatives and colleagues
im 32 today. i still think im 23.
i'll forever think im 23.
and i think im forever 23.
i simply like that number. it is everywhere.
i could never have guessed my husband loves me very much.
yes of course everyone's husband loves the wife you say
yes and i said i couldnt have known becos i was a rather disgrunted wife
i disgruntle about him many times.
always about small stuff and i quitely stay unhappy about small things.
that all changed last week.
i was testing out an old mobile phone with his SIM card.
all that was left in his "in box" are messages from me.
and they are messages that only meant something to the 2 of us.
like i would tell him i wanna grow old with him, wake with next to him, put night cream for him before bed.
of course i perhaps only did once or twice -- putting night cream for him.
but i meant it that i want to grow old with him.
and that message was like 3 years old and it is still sitting in his "in box".
as for me, took for granted all these small stuff.
he left a present for me on the table, together with a balloon.
balloon. like a kid's party.
ok.
next.
my parents.
they are so sweet. they gave me ang bow.
and asked me out for dinner.
they were not like this before.
next.
my relatives.
my aunties smsed me BD greetings. like first thing in the morning.
they are quite illiterate with english and software applications but they sent me MMS.
something remarkable for them.
next my cousins.
they hand make cards, wrote notes. and one thing struck me was the personal touch from them.
then my old friends and ex-colleagues.
and an old BF.
many
waited for the clock to strike after 12, they sent me BD wishes.
you know, i am touched.
becos i am really rather old. and i still get theses sweet things meant for a teen.
my colleagues bought me a mini-cake. all for me.
make me make a wish.
i wished for everyone to experience love.
i wished for everyone to have their hearts touched.
to know that there is love.
that is my BD wish for everyone.
next is one old friend.
she sent me a t-shirt with 11 white sheeps and one red sheep.
it reads: "dare to be different"
i love it. though i feel that the red sheep should be black.
becos those who dared to be differnt is ususally called the black sheep of the family.
my future boss asked me to book a dinner and he will join me and my friend.
he said dinner is on him.
i declined nicely and told him that the greatest gift he has for me was that he believed in me.
so, people.
my humble slogan has always been--
"i have so much love to give as i have so much love received"
so thank you everybody.
i got many well wishes from my friends and relatives and colleagues
im 32 today. i still think im 23.
i'll forever think im 23.
and i think im forever 23.
i simply like that number. it is everywhere.
i could never have guessed my husband loves me very much.
yes of course everyone's husband loves the wife you say
yes and i said i couldnt have known becos i was a rather disgrunted wife
i disgruntle about him many times.
always about small stuff and i quitely stay unhappy about small things.
that all changed last week.
i was testing out an old mobile phone with his SIM card.
all that was left in his "in box" are messages from me.
and they are messages that only meant something to the 2 of us.
like i would tell him i wanna grow old with him, wake with next to him, put night cream for him before bed.
of course i perhaps only did once or twice -- putting night cream for him.
but i meant it that i want to grow old with him.
and that message was like 3 years old and it is still sitting in his "in box".
as for me, took for granted all these small stuff.
he left a present for me on the table, together with a balloon.
balloon. like a kid's party.
ok.
next.
my parents.
they are so sweet. they gave me ang bow.
and asked me out for dinner.
they were not like this before.
next.
my relatives.
my aunties smsed me BD greetings. like first thing in the morning.
they are quite illiterate with english and software applications but they sent me MMS.
something remarkable for them.
next my cousins.
they hand make cards, wrote notes. and one thing struck me was the personal touch from them.
then my old friends and ex-colleagues.
and an old BF.
many
waited for the clock to strike after 12, they sent me BD wishes.
you know, i am touched.
becos i am really rather old. and i still get theses sweet things meant for a teen.
my colleagues bought me a mini-cake. all for me.
make me make a wish.
i wished for everyone to experience love.
i wished for everyone to have their hearts touched.
to know that there is love.
that is my BD wish for everyone.
next is one old friend.
she sent me a t-shirt with 11 white sheeps and one red sheep.
it reads: "dare to be different"
i love it. though i feel that the red sheep should be black.
becos those who dared to be differnt is ususally called the black sheep of the family.
my future boss asked me to book a dinner and he will join me and my friend.
he said dinner is on him.
i declined nicely and told him that the greatest gift he has for me was that he believed in me.
so, people.
my humble slogan has always been--
"i have so much love to give as i have so much love received"
so thank you everybody.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
don't kill the messenger
don't kill the messenger
why do many people like to shoot the messenger when they've got a news they dont like.
at my office, lunch is provided daily. this is becos my place at jurong is very ulu. we've got to take a bus to find food. plus, lunch hour is officially noon to noon-thirty. 30 mins but no one really follows. we just eat and talk. that's the only time i could unwind a little. you know, work is really taking all my focus and energy. i've got an old shoulder injury that is aching now... been well for like.. 8 years,, and now becos im tired, it's aching.. need a massage.
k,, about shooting the messenger. we have to give our lunch order by 10am sharp. once the clock ticks 10.01, the aunty will not take any orders. sometimes when we work, we forget the time. obviously if a worker works and forget the time means that he is a good worker. and that is me, i think work is more important than lunch. many times, they have to peel me from my work station to ask me for lunch. so anyway i was saying-- there is this nice young chap, he is young and still very nice (as in kind). he would take orders for those regulars (my gang). they would shout (ask aloud) - what's for lunch today? what's the menu? and he would rattle on whatever that's on menu. then they would go "AI YA!! SAME OLD BORING STUFF! EVERY DAY EAT THE SAME THING, CANT THEY HAVE SOMETHING ELSE" and this goes on for as long till i intervened. you see , i hate it when kind people who are doing a favour bear the brunt of hostility. eventhough this is mild, i still dont like it. so one day i joked- AI YA DONT KILL THE MESSENGER, if you're not happy, you've got to go order lunch yourself. then i demonstrated that i am grateful that there is first of all, lunch provided, secondly, someone kind enough to remind me about ordering lunch so that i dont miss the boat. with me happily saying thank you to the boy, eventually the complaints stopped.
dont kill the messenger. kill yourself maybe.
why do many people like to shoot the messenger when they've got a news they dont like.
at my office, lunch is provided daily. this is becos my place at jurong is very ulu. we've got to take a bus to find food. plus, lunch hour is officially noon to noon-thirty. 30 mins but no one really follows. we just eat and talk. that's the only time i could unwind a little. you know, work is really taking all my focus and energy. i've got an old shoulder injury that is aching now... been well for like.. 8 years,, and now becos im tired, it's aching.. need a massage.
k,, about shooting the messenger. we have to give our lunch order by 10am sharp. once the clock ticks 10.01, the aunty will not take any orders. sometimes when we work, we forget the time. obviously if a worker works and forget the time means that he is a good worker. and that is me, i think work is more important than lunch. many times, they have to peel me from my work station to ask me for lunch. so anyway i was saying-- there is this nice young chap, he is young and still very nice (as in kind). he would take orders for those regulars (my gang). they would shout (ask aloud) - what's for lunch today? what's the menu? and he would rattle on whatever that's on menu. then they would go "AI YA!! SAME OLD BORING STUFF! EVERY DAY EAT THE SAME THING, CANT THEY HAVE SOMETHING ELSE" and this goes on for as long till i intervened. you see , i hate it when kind people who are doing a favour bear the brunt of hostility. eventhough this is mild, i still dont like it. so one day i joked- AI YA DONT KILL THE MESSENGER, if you're not happy, you've got to go order lunch yourself. then i demonstrated that i am grateful that there is first of all, lunch provided, secondly, someone kind enough to remind me about ordering lunch so that i dont miss the boat. with me happily saying thank you to the boy, eventually the complaints stopped.
dont kill the messenger. kill yourself maybe.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Gag order
few months ago i had this terrible tooth ache. it was so painful that i couldnt smile for a few days. i thought that it would go away.... you know, heal by itself. till one of the saturday nites, i couldn't take it anymore, i sweared to visit my dentist when dawn breaks. to my DISMAY, my dentist threw a tantram when i visited him without an appointment. i explained that this is SOS but he said he is not free. so much so for 8 years of bloody business, mine and my husband's blood were there for 8 years but it didnt count. so nevermind, i left feeling very hurt emotionally and still the pain searing my every vein. finally, i walked in to a kind of "hospital" style dentist. told them my pain. this huge sized male dentist is old with experience and full of vigor. he said i have a root decay and need to do root canal to remove all the nerves that are already rotting or rotten. rats... that is really painful i tell you. the procedure is that they literally smash the roots that are imbeded in that tooth. you think ok, this is painful, i can bear with it. but each and every trust he digged brought pain to a painless cold sweat level. so ya that is my encounter at the dentist. something i tell people not to fear and to go for it. till i got this root canal thing that is.
few weeks later i went back to do the "proper" complete treatment. the other visit was just to remove the root and nothing's been done yet really. oh ok.. so what now i thought. blah blah got to put a post in the tooth to hold the fillings blah blah got to do crowning as the old tooth is too weak now... at the end of the day, i was asked to sign a consent form saying that i have to pay 1K or more and have to complete the treatment in 2 weeks. i said i have no such money, can i do it in installment? he said yes but got to sign consent form and finish in 2 weeks. i said no, can i do it over 4 weeks? he said no and then said i could leave. I COULD LEAVE! shit of course i could leave but how can he let me walk out of the door after taking away my roots my nerves and leave me with a damn hole in the mouth and say i could leave. how fucking irresponsible as a dentist for a profession. heartless dentist and both are men. sorry the pun but so happens they are men. my old dentist of 8 years and this irresponsible one.
as i walked out wondering like a lost puppy i found one dental surgery clinic at the ground floor. i expained my situation in vigor and the recept listened patiently. then she went in and told my story to the dentist. she came out and explained that the cost of the proceudre will also be about 1K but i can do is over 3 months, a visit a fortnight like that. ok i said but i dont want to sign a consent form i dont believe in signing anything why should i be made to do something against my will if i come, i come if i dont, that is my responsibility and not hers. she said ok. so i started this new relationship with this kind dentist. not only did she expain so gently every little procedure and why she is using this, why she is giving a jab etc, she showed me how to brush my gums which i think a lot of us dont know how. we brush and brush but the plague is there. anyway, i am finishing my entire root canal treatment with her by the end of the month and she has never pressed me to take the more expensive gold fillings for the crowned tooth but i guess it makes more sense to get a better holding material rather than having it fall off sooner than possible. so ya i will have gold in my mouth soon but not visible so dont you go laughing yet.
the most memorable part of this treatment is the gag order. the part where she needed to take a mold of my upper and lower set of teeth. it is like having playdoh stuff into you mouth and you really scaffocate and could breathe if your heart beats too fast, i think you'll just DIE. i honestly think that they should let us sign a consent form for this. in case really some old folks die in the middle of this. because you see you got to breath from your nostrils and it is really difficult when one of your nostril is kind of perpataurely blocked and you are caught off guard. so ya, they should let us sign a form so that we cant sue them if we die there.
few weeks later i went back to do the "proper" complete treatment. the other visit was just to remove the root and nothing's been done yet really. oh ok.. so what now i thought. blah blah got to put a post in the tooth to hold the fillings blah blah got to do crowning as the old tooth is too weak now... at the end of the day, i was asked to sign a consent form saying that i have to pay 1K or more and have to complete the treatment in 2 weeks. i said i have no such money, can i do it in installment? he said yes but got to sign consent form and finish in 2 weeks. i said no, can i do it over 4 weeks? he said no and then said i could leave. I COULD LEAVE! shit of course i could leave but how can he let me walk out of the door after taking away my roots my nerves and leave me with a damn hole in the mouth and say i could leave. how fucking irresponsible as a dentist for a profession. heartless dentist and both are men. sorry the pun but so happens they are men. my old dentist of 8 years and this irresponsible one.
as i walked out wondering like a lost puppy i found one dental surgery clinic at the ground floor. i expained my situation in vigor and the recept listened patiently. then she went in and told my story to the dentist. she came out and explained that the cost of the proceudre will also be about 1K but i can do is over 3 months, a visit a fortnight like that. ok i said but i dont want to sign a consent form i dont believe in signing anything why should i be made to do something against my will if i come, i come if i dont, that is my responsibility and not hers. she said ok. so i started this new relationship with this kind dentist. not only did she expain so gently every little procedure and why she is using this, why she is giving a jab etc, she showed me how to brush my gums which i think a lot of us dont know how. we brush and brush but the plague is there. anyway, i am finishing my entire root canal treatment with her by the end of the month and she has never pressed me to take the more expensive gold fillings for the crowned tooth but i guess it makes more sense to get a better holding material rather than having it fall off sooner than possible. so ya i will have gold in my mouth soon but not visible so dont you go laughing yet.
the most memorable part of this treatment is the gag order. the part where she needed to take a mold of my upper and lower set of teeth. it is like having playdoh stuff into you mouth and you really scaffocate and could breathe if your heart beats too fast, i think you'll just DIE. i honestly think that they should let us sign a consent form for this. in case really some old folks die in the middle of this. because you see you got to breath from your nostrils and it is really difficult when one of your nostril is kind of perpataurely blocked and you are caught off guard. so ya, they should let us sign a form so that we cant sue them if we die there.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
the dull and sad feeling
sadness is impending my life.. in my dreams i cry.
i cant talk about, i cant write about it.. i am just terribly sad.
my dad is leaving me. slowly but surely. in a few years i guess.
however number of years will still not be enough for me.
i have never told him i love him. i cant say that three sacred words.
i dont know what is blocking me. blocking my heart.
every day i busy myself with work.
i try in my own small way to tell him that i love him.
i go home for dinner frequently. i ask him how he is. if he has eaten,
if he has taken his medicine, if he has gone for a walk.
i tell him that i am with him. i show him that we are with him.
yes yes yes.. no no no. i should really find out what he likes and what he wants to do
but i am unable to penetrate his heart, i am unable to connect heart to heart, soul to soul.
what should i do? i am incapable of reaching to my own father.
i remember loving him oh so much.
i am fortunate to have him.
i love him.
i cant talk about, i cant write about it.. i am just terribly sad.
my dad is leaving me. slowly but surely. in a few years i guess.
however number of years will still not be enough for me.
i have never told him i love him. i cant say that three sacred words.
i dont know what is blocking me. blocking my heart.
every day i busy myself with work.
i try in my own small way to tell him that i love him.
i go home for dinner frequently. i ask him how he is. if he has eaten,
if he has taken his medicine, if he has gone for a walk.
i tell him that i am with him. i show him that we are with him.
yes yes yes.. no no no. i should really find out what he likes and what he wants to do
but i am unable to penetrate his heart, i am unable to connect heart to heart, soul to soul.
what should i do? i am incapable of reaching to my own father.
i remember loving him oh so much.
i am fortunate to have him.
i love him.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
cleopatra
my hair is so dark i look like cleopatra now.
the photolab technician who developed my photographs erased the mole on my face. she thought it was "dirt". hahaha. the thing with the mole is that it makes me very self-conscious.
not now when im alive but i think if im lying in the coffin, i dont want people to look at my mole.
but you say if im dead it shouldnt matter. the weirdest thing is that this mole popped out just few years ago. many people say it's a good thing as it means i've got more than enought to eat, wont go hungry. like some left over on my lips where i can lick it off when im hungry is it? many ppe make fun of other ppe's mole. movie- austin power also made fun about "the mole".
you know i've been using Organics shampoo for ten years. ten years!!! my gosh. i tried using some other brands, pantene, dove, VS.. but they just dont fit the bill. i get an itchy scalp when i try switching brands... the trouble is that Organics has phased out the old formula... i dont blame them. maybe it is not justifiable to continue production if the sales is oh too little. is there one same brand, same formula that is around for one decade? maybe there is but definitely not one that im using. i went to the store and bought all the stock that is left. 22 bottles. i dont have to worry till 2007.
the photolab technician who developed my photographs erased the mole on my face. she thought it was "dirt". hahaha. the thing with the mole is that it makes me very self-conscious.
not now when im alive but i think if im lying in the coffin, i dont want people to look at my mole.
but you say if im dead it shouldnt matter. the weirdest thing is that this mole popped out just few years ago. many people say it's a good thing as it means i've got more than enought to eat, wont go hungry. like some left over on my lips where i can lick it off when im hungry is it? many ppe make fun of other ppe's mole. movie- austin power also made fun about "the mole".
you know i've been using Organics shampoo for ten years. ten years!!! my gosh. i tried using some other brands, pantene, dove, VS.. but they just dont fit the bill. i get an itchy scalp when i try switching brands... the trouble is that Organics has phased out the old formula... i dont blame them. maybe it is not justifiable to continue production if the sales is oh too little. is there one same brand, same formula that is around for one decade? maybe there is but definitely not one that im using. i went to the store and bought all the stock that is left. 22 bottles. i dont have to worry till 2007.
Monday, September 19, 2005
i know i have a problem
i have like 65 handbags:
pouches, sling bags, dinner dainty bags, working bags,
whatever -- just bags
all in good condition,,,
i wonder why i keep using the same old bag and under-utilize the rest.
firstly, i am a practical person. hence function and form is important to me.
next, i am a lazy person. i use the same black back to blend with ten of the same black top i wear to work day in and day out. can you imagine having ten of the same black blouse? so easy, no need to think in the morning. just pull one out from anywhere-- cupboard, rack, hanger. they are everywhere. all my bags have its story. they are either gifts or that i bought them for an ocassion, or i simple like them. or chinese new year.. use new bag.
so anyway, i've made a point to use most of them from now on. espacially during the weekend.
i used to have many pairs of shoes. like,,, 30 pairs i think.
now i have maybe 15.
my husband asked sternly last night when i bought 3 new pairs. he said "how many pairs of shoes do you have?"
"6" i lied.
"ok, you can have up to 20"
=)
pouches, sling bags, dinner dainty bags, working bags,
whatever -- just bags
all in good condition,,,
i wonder why i keep using the same old bag and under-utilize the rest.
firstly, i am a practical person. hence function and form is important to me.
next, i am a lazy person. i use the same black back to blend with ten of the same black top i wear to work day in and day out. can you imagine having ten of the same black blouse? so easy, no need to think in the morning. just pull one out from anywhere-- cupboard, rack, hanger. they are everywhere. all my bags have its story. they are either gifts or that i bought them for an ocassion, or i simple like them. or chinese new year.. use new bag.
so anyway, i've made a point to use most of them from now on. espacially during the weekend.
i used to have many pairs of shoes. like,,, 30 pairs i think.
now i have maybe 15.
my husband asked sternly last night when i bought 3 new pairs. he said "how many pairs of shoes do you have?"
"6" i lied.
"ok, you can have up to 20"
=)
Friday, September 02, 2005
umbrella
you know there are just some people who don't have any sense of morality. what do you do when you are leaving an office and it is pouring cats and dogs out there and there is an umbrella sitting in the umbrella stand, obviously someone else's umbrella, a guest's, a staff's, just someone's and not yours. what do you do? use it? take it? finder's keeper? you think: "i need to get out and it's raining. i need a braully, no one's looking, receptionist too busy to notice." ok, you took the umbrella. good for you.
NEXT scene : you are leaving an office and it is drizzling out there and there is an umbrella sitting in the umbrella stand, obviously someone else's umbrella, a guest's, a staff's, just someone's and not yours. what do you do? use it? take it? finder's keeper? you think: "i need to get out and it's raining. i need a braully, no one's looking, receptionist too busy to notice." ok, you took the umbrella. good for you.
good for you my ass. if it is raining heavy, you DONT take it because the braully's owner is gonna need it and rightfully use it. if it's drizzling, you can get wet, it's no big deal.
so that's what happend to me. someone took my braully.
when i gave up waiting, about to dash off, the person returned with my braully. so it's not that she has taken. just borrowed.
whatever.
you dont borrow without asking.
NEXT scene : you are leaving an office and it is drizzling out there and there is an umbrella sitting in the umbrella stand, obviously someone else's umbrella, a guest's, a staff's, just someone's and not yours. what do you do? use it? take it? finder's keeper? you think: "i need to get out and it's raining. i need a braully, no one's looking, receptionist too busy to notice." ok, you took the umbrella. good for you.
good for you my ass. if it is raining heavy, you DONT take it because the braully's owner is gonna need it and rightfully use it. if it's drizzling, you can get wet, it's no big deal.
so that's what happend to me. someone took my braully.
when i gave up waiting, about to dash off, the person returned with my braully. so it's not that she has taken. just borrowed.
whatever.
you dont borrow without asking.
Monday, August 29, 2005
the dreaded situation
i was busy with new work and was swamped with work, contracts and operational commitments at work. i thought that was not good but it got ok now that im 2 moons into the job and got a little hang of it. was stressed as the contracts' value are hundreds of thousands and one series is 1 million bucks. that is norm for shipyards and offshore but still, nobody to supervise me? just do it! luckily i've got two other colleagues who are smart in their own ways so three of us compliment each other and saved the day. a little error here and there but non serious enough to get us fired. haha.
the last 2 weeks was hell for me because my dad is dignoised with "C". i cant bring myself to even write the word or say the word because i still dont want to acknowledge. doctor told us that we are looking at prolonging his life and not curing. so please dont even have hope of a cure. because the tumor has grown so massive at his liver, there is no way to operate. will need chemo but doc is NOT CONFIDENT! not confident. we went for 2nd opinion, also said same thing. i cried when im not with my dad because i cant let him see my fear. i thought my dad is strong but now i think he might be too ignorant to know the condition. it is tough because the info of a limited lifespan just sank into him last night, though my sis & i digested it 2 weeks ago. we wanted to shield him from the info as we were afraid he might take it badly and become paranoid but i guess we couldnt keep him from the news as he went to a chinese physian yesterday and the physian told him he has 6 months left. though we think dad has 2-5 yrs if the chemo doesnt work. and 10 or more yrs if the chemo works. but whatever it is, the dreaded situation is that dad's liver will fail. it is so terrible to think about how it'll be if chemo doesnt work. i can say that im strong but when the time comes, i really dont know.
i know that our lives are designed by God and that all is in God's plan. but that doesnt mean that i dont hurt.
but i cant be grieving forever as the world doesnt stop for me or for anyone.
since learning about the disease, there are many well intentioned people telling me of miracle stories on how their loved ones lived/ lives much longer than what the doc determined. my next question was whether their doc was confident of the treatment. and the answer was yes. *sigh.
my parents are very slow to respond to the news because they are hopeful and gullible. they have so much belief and faith in miracles and they are optimistic. i think it is cruel to be optimistic about physically living when the physical body is breaking down. i hope they can come to terms that the spiritual body is going to leave it's physical home and return to God. it brings me a lot of pain to even write about this but i know that this pain is not new in this world. everyone who is fortunate to have a dad, a mom and loved ones has this pain. i wonder if i condition my mind saying that this seperation is temporary and that we will meet in heaven where it is even more blissful, i wonder if i am just kidding myself.
the last 2 weeks was hell for me because my dad is dignoised with "C". i cant bring myself to even write the word or say the word because i still dont want to acknowledge. doctor told us that we are looking at prolonging his life and not curing. so please dont even have hope of a cure. because the tumor has grown so massive at his liver, there is no way to operate. will need chemo but doc is NOT CONFIDENT! not confident. we went for 2nd opinion, also said same thing. i cried when im not with my dad because i cant let him see my fear. i thought my dad is strong but now i think he might be too ignorant to know the condition. it is tough because the info of a limited lifespan just sank into him last night, though my sis & i digested it 2 weeks ago. we wanted to shield him from the info as we were afraid he might take it badly and become paranoid but i guess we couldnt keep him from the news as he went to a chinese physian yesterday and the physian told him he has 6 months left. though we think dad has 2-5 yrs if the chemo doesnt work. and 10 or more yrs if the chemo works. but whatever it is, the dreaded situation is that dad's liver will fail. it is so terrible to think about how it'll be if chemo doesnt work. i can say that im strong but when the time comes, i really dont know.
i know that our lives are designed by God and that all is in God's plan. but that doesnt mean that i dont hurt.
but i cant be grieving forever as the world doesnt stop for me or for anyone.
since learning about the disease, there are many well intentioned people telling me of miracle stories on how their loved ones lived/ lives much longer than what the doc determined. my next question was whether their doc was confident of the treatment. and the answer was yes. *sigh.
my parents are very slow to respond to the news because they are hopeful and gullible. they have so much belief and faith in miracles and they are optimistic. i think it is cruel to be optimistic about physically living when the physical body is breaking down. i hope they can come to terms that the spiritual body is going to leave it's physical home and return to God. it brings me a lot of pain to even write about this but i know that this pain is not new in this world. everyone who is fortunate to have a dad, a mom and loved ones has this pain. i wonder if i condition my mind saying that this seperation is temporary and that we will meet in heaven where it is even more blissful, i wonder if i am just kidding myself.
Monday, July 18, 2005
it's becoming true!
if you read harry potter, you'ld know that their chronicles and books have got moving pictures. eg: the photo featured in an article will have the people in the picture waving at you, while you read about the news or the text in books.
do you know that this may come true?!?
though it hasn't been said so but i am sure it will eventually be like that. given another few years.
i read from the papers that Fujitsu has invented a paper that has a "scan image memory" function. that is, we can upload pictures on a piece of paper, change & update the picture as and when we like. they are commercializing it in 2007 as they are currently testing on the prototype. i am very excited becos im sure that the still/static picture would eventually become a moving one. the day will come when our school text books will have demonstration (picture) with text and our daily newspaper will have moving pictures as well! isn't that wonderful to even think about it?
k talk later. got to run.
do you know that this may come true?!?
though it hasn't been said so but i am sure it will eventually be like that. given another few years.
i read from the papers that Fujitsu has invented a paper that has a "scan image memory" function. that is, we can upload pictures on a piece of paper, change & update the picture as and when we like. they are commercializing it in 2007 as they are currently testing on the prototype. i am very excited becos im sure that the still/static picture would eventually become a moving one. the day will come when our school text books will have demonstration (picture) with text and our daily newspaper will have moving pictures as well! isn't that wonderful to even think about it?
k talk later. got to run.
Friday, July 01, 2005
i surrendered
hello everyone, i missed you.
i had so many things to update you, every day i think about telling you all my nonsense but i didnt get around to do it. so sorry, because by the time i wanna blog about it, sometimes i loose the steam.
anyway-- ladies and gentlemen, im now working in an industry i've never thought i'ld be.
marine industry. dealing with "oil & gas" - ship deck fittings, chains, anchors, pumps, mud pumps, hoses, chain block, hoist, sling.... anything you name in on a ship i'll have it. i have to learn to be comfortable posting orders that are 100,000 US dollars sometimes. 2 weeks into this job, i surprise myself that it is rather interesting. more interesting that i thought it will be. the thing is that it is a little scary for me because there is no one person who is responsible for guiding me. not my manager, not anyone. but they all say "got problem ask me" but they didnt realise that they are the ones giving me the assignment in a chunk. just one file, stack of papers and you just dig in and dig out. this is good and bad. good because i am forced to learn from bolts and nuts bad is that hey, how would i know what to ask when i dont know that i dont know. well... just go along lor.... every day i pray that i am doing things correctly. hahahah. so i become a daily prayer.
talk about praying. i got this job in exactly 30 days since i started job search. it was havoc for me as i was desperately in need of cash to even have a decent meal. boy it was stressful and future was bleak. i had a few prospected employer exxonmobile, etc all said they will call me to inform about the hiring status but they never did. NEVER. i was wondering how we became so unprofessional, how did our human resource profession become so sloppy. and i was getting disappointed every day. i took a beating when i did some temp work that i had forced upon myself,, i just needed the cash.
then i gave up. i said to God; "God, you know this is hard for me, i have credit bills to pay, insurance premiums to pay and so many friends didnt get their birthday gifts this year and i wanna buy them christmas gifts this year. God, it is hard for me but i am sure you have your plans. I give up, i''ll leave it to you as i dont know what i want really, and i trust that you know what's best for me. even if i dont get a job in time and all by financial portfolios get topsy turvey, i still trust that this is your plan for me."
the next thing i know was that i was offered this job.
beautiful isn't it?
ya da ya da ya da. i wont complain a single word because i have made a pact that i'll be responsible for my decision when i accept this job. i trust that God knows why he is had given me a 5.5 day work week though i ....... have to make huge effort to adapt.... i have had a 5 day work week for the past 9 years. 9 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! friday nites are party nites, saturdays are to be slept in till 2pm... sunday is leisure. hey i am learning to accept this here. oh, maybe the company will have an alternate sat week.
hey i got to go i'll write again asap i have so many things to tell you.
i had so many things to update you, every day i think about telling you all my nonsense but i didnt get around to do it. so sorry, because by the time i wanna blog about it, sometimes i loose the steam.
anyway-- ladies and gentlemen, im now working in an industry i've never thought i'ld be.
marine industry. dealing with "oil & gas" - ship deck fittings, chains, anchors, pumps, mud pumps, hoses, chain block, hoist, sling.... anything you name in on a ship i'll have it. i have to learn to be comfortable posting orders that are 100,000 US dollars sometimes. 2 weeks into this job, i surprise myself that it is rather interesting. more interesting that i thought it will be. the thing is that it is a little scary for me because there is no one person who is responsible for guiding me. not my manager, not anyone. but they all say "got problem ask me" but they didnt realise that they are the ones giving me the assignment in a chunk. just one file, stack of papers and you just dig in and dig out. this is good and bad. good because i am forced to learn from bolts and nuts bad is that hey, how would i know what to ask when i dont know that i dont know. well... just go along lor.... every day i pray that i am doing things correctly. hahahah. so i become a daily prayer.
talk about praying. i got this job in exactly 30 days since i started job search. it was havoc for me as i was desperately in need of cash to even have a decent meal. boy it was stressful and future was bleak. i had a few prospected employer exxonmobile, etc all said they will call me to inform about the hiring status but they never did. NEVER. i was wondering how we became so unprofessional, how did our human resource profession become so sloppy. and i was getting disappointed every day. i took a beating when i did some temp work that i had forced upon myself,, i just needed the cash.
then i gave up. i said to God; "God, you know this is hard for me, i have credit bills to pay, insurance premiums to pay and so many friends didnt get their birthday gifts this year and i wanna buy them christmas gifts this year. God, it is hard for me but i am sure you have your plans. I give up, i''ll leave it to you as i dont know what i want really, and i trust that you know what's best for me. even if i dont get a job in time and all by financial portfolios get topsy turvey, i still trust that this is your plan for me."
the next thing i know was that i was offered this job.
beautiful isn't it?
ya da ya da ya da. i wont complain a single word because i have made a pact that i'll be responsible for my decision when i accept this job. i trust that God knows why he is had given me a 5.5 day work week though i ....... have to make huge effort to adapt.... i have had a 5 day work week for the past 9 years. 9 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! friday nites are party nites, saturdays are to be slept in till 2pm... sunday is leisure. hey i am learning to accept this here. oh, maybe the company will have an alternate sat week.
hey i got to go i'll write again asap i have so many things to tell you.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Days of Our Life
it seems to me that life for me has made a merry-gone-round.
ten years ago i had graduated with A Levels and was job searching.
now, with that many years of working, im searching for my ideal again.
i shouldnt be talking about so called those bad-days or bad-times but anyway i wanna talk about it cos it is really funny. many times people dont understand why i say this or that is funny. they ask me what's so funny or how is it funny. most of the time, my funny is in an ironic way funny or depressingly funny. whatever ways, it is funny alright. so ya, there was a time in 1994 where i was desperately seeking susan-,, the ideal job. during those days, you write-in, type written cover letter, resume with your bio-data and all. also during those days, there were a handful of recruitment agencies that would match you an employer. so anyway, i was saying,, it was one depressing time where i would comb the recruitment papers and call for interview appointments. i think i must have been either too choosy or too uncertain or too non-condfident, i just remember that i didnt have a job for many moons. each day was a drag and night became day and day was also day. you see, there was this fantastic soap opera entittled "Days of Our Life". it is the equivelent of "Ah Chen"-- the Taiwanese version of soap opera. whatever the case, these type of soap operas have this supernatural power to make you a mindless addict. i was oh,, so damned hooked on it. the show will be on from like 1am to 4am or something, then i'll go to bed all zoonked out and wake up at 2.30pm to watch the same episode that was shown in the morning all over again. by the time im done, it's evening, which means just a few hours to feel depressed or make a few phone calls and then be sleepless and watch the next episode till 4 in the morning again. the most fasinating thing about it is that i dont follow the show at all. i dont know who's who in the show, just that there is this dark haired pretty lady who was ill-fatedly out of love and there were many plotting against each other in the show. this went on for months and months until i almost died. died of lathargy that is. that kind of show is such that if you miss a hundred episodes, you still wont miss much of the plot really. so how could i be watching it over and over on the double, day and night and night and day. no wonder they say some programmes make you dumb. i totally agree.
so,, that was the days of my life then.
fast forward 3650 days.
these days im combing the recruit papers again, without anxiety and worry. calmness comes with age/experience. let's just say that im calmer this time. funny nothing much have changed in the recruits. there are still many con jobs out there. those that promise free lunches,, you know what i mean. albeit 65% percent of the jobs out there requires a degree holder of some sort. 5% states MBA. of course with relevant experience is an advantage, the AD says. market is soft, im no kidding you, market is soft but there are still good jobs out there. the only thing is that you've got to be patient and at the same time, be active. i've sent out 15 resumes and 3 asked to interview me. so, there is hope and there are good jobs, you just got to put yourself out there. i'll give you more updates after this week ok? meantime, i welcome prayers and i thank you all for silent and vocal encouragement.
ten years ago i had graduated with A Levels and was job searching.
now, with that many years of working, im searching for my ideal again.
i shouldnt be talking about so called those bad-days or bad-times but anyway i wanna talk about it cos it is really funny. many times people dont understand why i say this or that is funny. they ask me what's so funny or how is it funny. most of the time, my funny is in an ironic way funny or depressingly funny. whatever ways, it is funny alright. so ya, there was a time in 1994 where i was desperately seeking susan-,, the ideal job. during those days, you write-in, type written cover letter, resume with your bio-data and all. also during those days, there were a handful of recruitment agencies that would match you an employer. so anyway, i was saying,, it was one depressing time where i would comb the recruitment papers and call for interview appointments. i think i must have been either too choosy or too uncertain or too non-condfident, i just remember that i didnt have a job for many moons. each day was a drag and night became day and day was also day. you see, there was this fantastic soap opera entittled "Days of Our Life". it is the equivelent of "Ah Chen"-- the Taiwanese version of soap opera. whatever the case, these type of soap operas have this supernatural power to make you a mindless addict. i was oh,, so damned hooked on it. the show will be on from like 1am to 4am or something, then i'll go to bed all zoonked out and wake up at 2.30pm to watch the same episode that was shown in the morning all over again. by the time im done, it's evening, which means just a few hours to feel depressed or make a few phone calls and then be sleepless and watch the next episode till 4 in the morning again. the most fasinating thing about it is that i dont follow the show at all. i dont know who's who in the show, just that there is this dark haired pretty lady who was ill-fatedly out of love and there were many plotting against each other in the show. this went on for months and months until i almost died. died of lathargy that is. that kind of show is such that if you miss a hundred episodes, you still wont miss much of the plot really. so how could i be watching it over and over on the double, day and night and night and day. no wonder they say some programmes make you dumb. i totally agree.
so,, that was the days of my life then.
fast forward 3650 days.
these days im combing the recruit papers again, without anxiety and worry. calmness comes with age/experience. let's just say that im calmer this time. funny nothing much have changed in the recruits. there are still many con jobs out there. those that promise free lunches,, you know what i mean. albeit 65% percent of the jobs out there requires a degree holder of some sort. 5% states MBA. of course with relevant experience is an advantage, the AD says. market is soft, im no kidding you, market is soft but there are still good jobs out there. the only thing is that you've got to be patient and at the same time, be active. i've sent out 15 resumes and 3 asked to interview me. so, there is hope and there are good jobs, you just got to put yourself out there. i'll give you more updates after this week ok? meantime, i welcome prayers and i thank you all for silent and vocal encouragement.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
thanks everyone
as my friends got wind that i am seeking for a new job,
many offered recommendations, referral to their friends, their friend's friend.
im touched. yes, thank you everyone for looking out for me. what will i do without you people...
i have to get my acts together and kick my own ass to get going.
i was feeling pathetic about myself doing temp work... you know, it is HARD work. but what the heck, it is not labourous jobs,,, and i need to money, so why was i feeling pathetic? just have to get my acts in action, start thinking of what i wanna do. hey you know what, i wanna work in F&B... ya, long operational hours and all... but i want to learn the trade. i think i have a gift for that. i have actually forged ahead to send my resume to the local food outlet chain.
"have food, will travel".
i am wondering if i should contact an ex-colleague who is now the COO of the so-called 5 star branded restaurants in s'pore and ask him for a job since i am so keen to get my feet wet in the F&B industry. shy lei. so shy to ask. *sigh* i am very "thin" skin kind of person...eventhough i dont look like one. i just met that COO last week at a gathering but i didnt bother to emmm... do some small talk. if you really know me,,, i seldom do any small talk, long talk, whatever talk. i just like to talk to myself and my friends. i think i ought to change my attitude. i should just be more comfortable to do all sorts of talking to anyone from now on. ok, this is my new mission to help elevate me to another level with my social skills.
ok ok i got to go now. time to spend some time with my dear hubby whose BD came and gone without much hype from me...
talk to you soon!
many offered recommendations, referral to their friends, their friend's friend.
im touched. yes, thank you everyone for looking out for me. what will i do without you people...
i have to get my acts together and kick my own ass to get going.
i was feeling pathetic about myself doing temp work... you know, it is HARD work. but what the heck, it is not labourous jobs,,, and i need to money, so why was i feeling pathetic? just have to get my acts in action, start thinking of what i wanna do. hey you know what, i wanna work in F&B... ya, long operational hours and all... but i want to learn the trade. i think i have a gift for that. i have actually forged ahead to send my resume to the local food outlet chain.
"have food, will travel".
i am wondering if i should contact an ex-colleague who is now the COO of the so-called 5 star branded restaurants in s'pore and ask him for a job since i am so keen to get my feet wet in the F&B industry. shy lei. so shy to ask. *sigh* i am very "thin" skin kind of person...eventhough i dont look like one. i just met that COO last week at a gathering but i didnt bother to emmm... do some small talk. if you really know me,,, i seldom do any small talk, long talk, whatever talk. i just like to talk to myself and my friends. i think i ought to change my attitude. i should just be more comfortable to do all sorts of talking to anyone from now on. ok, this is my new mission to help elevate me to another level with my social skills.
ok ok i got to go now. time to spend some time with my dear hubby whose BD came and gone without much hype from me...
talk to you soon!
Monday, May 16, 2005
the apprentice
recently i've been to a couple of interviews.
one interesting one is at this institution that needs a marketing officer to replace the person who's leaving. this person is expected to execute- tradeshows, do product presentation, manage an alumni, travel to service regional clients, penetrate new markets overseas, etc etc. sounds interesting isn't it? yes, the interview was equally interesting. first round was with the HR manager. blah blah blah a lot of getting to know me and the things that i've done. next day, they called me up for a second interview. wow, i thought; so fast? ok, just see how it goes, im always with an open mind.
the 2nd interview was a panel interview. one director who is in-charge of HR, Marketing & Planning. two other girls who are key personnels. seated next to me was the other potential candidate whom they have shortlisted as well. so the two of us were interviewed the "Donal Trump" way. you know-- the apprentice style where you gotta sell yourself, be assertive and basically say why you think you should be hired. i, for one is not those who would go for the kill. i dont like to see the face of the animal that is gonna be sacrificed. hahahaha. idiot right? i asked the director if it has to be either or? cant he just hire the both of us? haha. they all laughed too.
well, let's just say that i objectively stated my portfolio and talk a little about myself etc and basically just wasnt competitive.
one day after the interview, i felt so damn lousy. you see, the girl that was seated next to me was a freshie. freshie from estate mgmt NUS. come on, what the heck were they thinking? estate mgmt to do an international marketing job? fuck. can i curse here? really fucking feeling. i hate to be egoistic but i think i was made a clown. on one hand im talking about real life instances and on the other hand, she was giving text book answers. fucking dull feeling i get.
ok ok, i'll call the director in a minute and tell them im withdrawing my application. i think the disparity they are willing to settle for is too great for me to accept.
i am kidding la. i'll just leave it alone. i do not know their rationale, but they did say that they are giving freshies a chance so i shouldnt be so damn full of pride. if they appreciate me, they'll make an offer. if they settle for someone else, may the best man/woman win. this is my wiseman talking. dont be shocked by my outburst ok?
me and a buddy organised a gathering for about 40 of my ex-colleagues. we called 85 but 40 turned up.
it was nice and heartwarming to see the happy expression on their faces when they reunite. many of them had not seen each other the last 5-6 years. it is funny how sometimes you quarrel with each other at work but after that you let it be bygones. (not talking about me, im referring to my observation). there are some that will not let it be bygones perhaps the betrayal was too hurting. i dunno. i just thought it would be nice to bring old people together and make peace while sun shine. hahah.
one interesting one is at this institution that needs a marketing officer to replace the person who's leaving. this person is expected to execute- tradeshows, do product presentation, manage an alumni, travel to service regional clients, penetrate new markets overseas, etc etc. sounds interesting isn't it? yes, the interview was equally interesting. first round was with the HR manager. blah blah blah a lot of getting to know me and the things that i've done. next day, they called me up for a second interview. wow, i thought; so fast? ok, just see how it goes, im always with an open mind.
the 2nd interview was a panel interview. one director who is in-charge of HR, Marketing & Planning. two other girls who are key personnels. seated next to me was the other potential candidate whom they have shortlisted as well. so the two of us were interviewed the "Donal Trump" way. you know-- the apprentice style where you gotta sell yourself, be assertive and basically say why you think you should be hired. i, for one is not those who would go for the kill. i dont like to see the face of the animal that is gonna be sacrificed. hahahaha. idiot right? i asked the director if it has to be either or? cant he just hire the both of us? haha. they all laughed too.
well, let's just say that i objectively stated my portfolio and talk a little about myself etc and basically just wasnt competitive.
one day after the interview, i felt so damn lousy. you see, the girl that was seated next to me was a freshie. freshie from estate mgmt NUS. come on, what the heck were they thinking? estate mgmt to do an international marketing job? fuck. can i curse here? really fucking feeling. i hate to be egoistic but i think i was made a clown. on one hand im talking about real life instances and on the other hand, she was giving text book answers. fucking dull feeling i get.
ok ok, i'll call the director in a minute and tell them im withdrawing my application. i think the disparity they are willing to settle for is too great for me to accept.
i am kidding la. i'll just leave it alone. i do not know their rationale, but they did say that they are giving freshies a chance so i shouldnt be so damn full of pride. if they appreciate me, they'll make an offer. if they settle for someone else, may the best man/woman win. this is my wiseman talking. dont be shocked by my outburst ok?
me and a buddy organised a gathering for about 40 of my ex-colleagues. we called 85 but 40 turned up.
it was nice and heartwarming to see the happy expression on their faces when they reunite. many of them had not seen each other the last 5-6 years. it is funny how sometimes you quarrel with each other at work but after that you let it be bygones. (not talking about me, im referring to my observation). there are some that will not let it be bygones perhaps the betrayal was too hurting. i dunno. i just thought it would be nice to bring old people together and make peace while sun shine. hahah.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
cry buckets
Each time I leave a job, I cry buckets.
But the buckets get smaller as I age.
But I think I’ll cry mountains when I die.
You see, im such an affectionate creature.
Perhaps it is because I’m always living the moment, enjoying the moment, in my mind, I wish that everything stays the same. For a very long time.
Everything I do, I give my best shot, hence there’s always emotional input and attachment and this rosy picture that I create. So whenever I have to move on or say good-bye, it is difficult. But after the door is shut, I moved on, I no longer whine or pine. In fact, most if the time I develop a form of amnesia. Sometimes I don’t even match the other person’s affection becos I don’t remember. And that may seem heartless. But really, there really had been the most input of love and friendship to most of my happenings, just that sometimes after I move on, the chapter is closed. Perhaps this is the way I cope with separation. I used to think that every thing will come to an end so why even start? It took me eons to learn that that was such negative and closet thinking that created a wall around me and few could penetrate. Don’t worry im no longer like that. Every single second to me is precious and I treasure every opportunity I have with anyone. I read a book once that said it you have 20 more years to live and your gather with your family once a year (in many culture, all children live in different countries / states and gather a few times a year or once in a few years) k anyway if you have 20 years to go and you meet once a year, you actually have 20 occasions left. Yes, some think that why worry? 20 years is a long time, I could talk on the phone, letter, email, video phone, etc, anytime. But really, we are living our lives every day, working, sleeping, going about our ususal things, bring up our dogs, our kids, our plants maybe. So 20 occasions means just 20 occasions. I always plan to meet up old pals becos I think some of them I meet perhaps once or twice a year, some of them perhaps once in 2, 3 years. So each occasion is important to me.
That brings me to tomorrow. Tomorrow we are celebrating mother’s day. With all my aunts, my mom & mom-in-law. All under one roof. Wow. I love that idea. We did that last year and it was great fun. The only thing I feel so lousy about is that I don’t have ebough budget to buy them anything. Something small and nice like a rose perhaps? Aw how broke can you be you think. Ya dead broke. I don’t know how I got at this stage but im sure I can break through this. God is with me, so I must see what I am learning from this. Oh, I bought 3 tubs of ice cream for the party tomorrow. Ya at least that is sweet isn’t it? But next year, I’LL MAKE SURE THAT I CAN GET ALL MOTHERS AT OUR PARTY SOMETHING DECENT LIKE A HANDBAG, A PURSE, A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS, CAKE, OR ANYTHING DECENT. So you see, I struggle with my desire and with my situation. Can’t get what I want, can’t do what I want. So damn lousy feeling. But it will be lousier to sit and whine. And im never a quitter. So God, please take me to greater heights. I am ready.
I have finally left the job I love.
Such irony you say.
Ya, I just need to leave. Call it quits. I cant do it, I think ive bitten more that I could chew and that damaged me. 1 step forward 3 steps back. Confidence has taken a back seat. Blah blah blah. How? Feel like resigning to fate but no no no. yes yes yes. Come what may. Just do my job, keep looking, stay positive, do the right things, take the right action. That leave it to the universe to synchronize the rest for me.
I have never been to Malaysia, JB just for the food. Last weekend, I did just that and it was fun. The food is real good man. Yum yum. Dirty old looking hawker place is just like how I remember our Singapore’s hawker in the 70s. yes I am old in case you are thinking. When I was 4-5 yrs old, I remember my father brought me to Chinatown, people’s park area where rows of hawker stalls ply the street. It was dirty, oily but yummy. Just like it is at JB now, real cool. My dad used to buy just one plate of “Or Luak” (fried oyster with eggs) and he’ll portion it 1/6th. One tiny portion for me and whole 5th for himself. Ya my father is full of himself but it’s ok I mean I was tiny and skinny, how much could I eat anyway? Anyway, it was a joy to eat out with my dad and I remember those episodes fondly till today. It is always Or Luak or Chay Kway Teow and I always have just 1/6th. Anyway, to reminisce those days or to have a flavour of it before it disappears, please go JB.
That day at the hairdresser, the shampoo girl came over and whispered excitedly to my hairdresser while he was snipping my hair:”that young boy is her son?”
“ya, she married late..” my hairdresser said nonchalantly.
I sat there and wonder, would they say that about me? I mean it’s nothing mean but it’s something gossip-worthy?
Im turning 32 by the end of the year and I have no sight of having a baby yet. Gosh, I can’t imagine how I would cope and how I would not cope and when am I ready to have a baby? I think I am the oldest eligible married person who hasn’t got a baby in my entire clan. The only consolation is that I don’t look 32. most people think im at my late 20s but anyway, that is my consolation I guess. But it’s no consolation really, becos I don’t believe in hiding my age so that next thing I always do is to blurt out my age and I’ll first see the disbelief on their faces then the “thinking hard” look, calculating my age and picturing me an aged mom or whatever. I think that we should only have babies when we want to or if the situation arise, just got to learn to handle it, but whatever the case, society should not have an unspoken dogmatic view about an ideal mommy’s age like how the NATIONAL NEWSPAPER defines the ideal mom’s age as 24 – 30 or something along that line. All I remember is that I fall into the “dangerous” age or implying that the embro might be unhealthy or implying danger or unhealthy baby etc etc. when you read these kind of figures in terms of reports or findings, it limits your mind to think that there is truth to it. Anyway, I can’t just act out of fear or whatever so im just pointing out that it is useless telling people about those negative findings. It just makes matters worse. You either worry them or make them act in a haste or out of fear. So whatever good intention backfires. Never ever publish some limiting data that propagates limiting beliefs. The uneducated ones will suffer.
But the buckets get smaller as I age.
But I think I’ll cry mountains when I die.
You see, im such an affectionate creature.
Perhaps it is because I’m always living the moment, enjoying the moment, in my mind, I wish that everything stays the same. For a very long time.
Everything I do, I give my best shot, hence there’s always emotional input and attachment and this rosy picture that I create. So whenever I have to move on or say good-bye, it is difficult. But after the door is shut, I moved on, I no longer whine or pine. In fact, most if the time I develop a form of amnesia. Sometimes I don’t even match the other person’s affection becos I don’t remember. And that may seem heartless. But really, there really had been the most input of love and friendship to most of my happenings, just that sometimes after I move on, the chapter is closed. Perhaps this is the way I cope with separation. I used to think that every thing will come to an end so why even start? It took me eons to learn that that was such negative and closet thinking that created a wall around me and few could penetrate. Don’t worry im no longer like that. Every single second to me is precious and I treasure every opportunity I have with anyone. I read a book once that said it you have 20 more years to live and your gather with your family once a year (in many culture, all children live in different countries / states and gather a few times a year or once in a few years) k anyway if you have 20 years to go and you meet once a year, you actually have 20 occasions left. Yes, some think that why worry? 20 years is a long time, I could talk on the phone, letter, email, video phone, etc, anytime. But really, we are living our lives every day, working, sleeping, going about our ususal things, bring up our dogs, our kids, our plants maybe. So 20 occasions means just 20 occasions. I always plan to meet up old pals becos I think some of them I meet perhaps once or twice a year, some of them perhaps once in 2, 3 years. So each occasion is important to me.
That brings me to tomorrow. Tomorrow we are celebrating mother’s day. With all my aunts, my mom & mom-in-law. All under one roof. Wow. I love that idea. We did that last year and it was great fun. The only thing I feel so lousy about is that I don’t have ebough budget to buy them anything. Something small and nice like a rose perhaps? Aw how broke can you be you think. Ya dead broke. I don’t know how I got at this stage but im sure I can break through this. God is with me, so I must see what I am learning from this. Oh, I bought 3 tubs of ice cream for the party tomorrow. Ya at least that is sweet isn’t it? But next year, I’LL MAKE SURE THAT I CAN GET ALL MOTHERS AT OUR PARTY SOMETHING DECENT LIKE A HANDBAG, A PURSE, A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS, CAKE, OR ANYTHING DECENT. So you see, I struggle with my desire and with my situation. Can’t get what I want, can’t do what I want. So damn lousy feeling. But it will be lousier to sit and whine. And im never a quitter. So God, please take me to greater heights. I am ready.
I have finally left the job I love.
Such irony you say.
Ya, I just need to leave. Call it quits. I cant do it, I think ive bitten more that I could chew and that damaged me. 1 step forward 3 steps back. Confidence has taken a back seat. Blah blah blah. How? Feel like resigning to fate but no no no. yes yes yes. Come what may. Just do my job, keep looking, stay positive, do the right things, take the right action. That leave it to the universe to synchronize the rest for me.
I have never been to Malaysia, JB just for the food. Last weekend, I did just that and it was fun. The food is real good man. Yum yum. Dirty old looking hawker place is just like how I remember our Singapore’s hawker in the 70s. yes I am old in case you are thinking. When I was 4-5 yrs old, I remember my father brought me to Chinatown, people’s park area where rows of hawker stalls ply the street. It was dirty, oily but yummy. Just like it is at JB now, real cool. My dad used to buy just one plate of “Or Luak” (fried oyster with eggs) and he’ll portion it 1/6th. One tiny portion for me and whole 5th for himself. Ya my father is full of himself but it’s ok I mean I was tiny and skinny, how much could I eat anyway? Anyway, it was a joy to eat out with my dad and I remember those episodes fondly till today. It is always Or Luak or Chay Kway Teow and I always have just 1/6th. Anyway, to reminisce those days or to have a flavour of it before it disappears, please go JB.
That day at the hairdresser, the shampoo girl came over and whispered excitedly to my hairdresser while he was snipping my hair:”that young boy is her son?”
“ya, she married late..” my hairdresser said nonchalantly.
I sat there and wonder, would they say that about me? I mean it’s nothing mean but it’s something gossip-worthy?
Im turning 32 by the end of the year and I have no sight of having a baby yet. Gosh, I can’t imagine how I would cope and how I would not cope and when am I ready to have a baby? I think I am the oldest eligible married person who hasn’t got a baby in my entire clan. The only consolation is that I don’t look 32. most people think im at my late 20s but anyway, that is my consolation I guess. But it’s no consolation really, becos I don’t believe in hiding my age so that next thing I always do is to blurt out my age and I’ll first see the disbelief on their faces then the “thinking hard” look, calculating my age and picturing me an aged mom or whatever. I think that we should only have babies when we want to or if the situation arise, just got to learn to handle it, but whatever the case, society should not have an unspoken dogmatic view about an ideal mommy’s age like how the NATIONAL NEWSPAPER defines the ideal mom’s age as 24 – 30 or something along that line. All I remember is that I fall into the “dangerous” age or implying that the embro might be unhealthy or implying danger or unhealthy baby etc etc. when you read these kind of figures in terms of reports or findings, it limits your mind to think that there is truth to it. Anyway, I can’t just act out of fear or whatever so im just pointing out that it is useless telling people about those negative findings. It just makes matters worse. You either worry them or make them act in a haste or out of fear. So whatever good intention backfires. Never ever publish some limiting data that propagates limiting beliefs. The uneducated ones will suffer.
Monday, April 11, 2005
some things that stick to your head
you know, there are some silly things that stick to your mind?
like there was once one fella told me he always buys tissue paper in twos (two packets)
he said there was once in his school days he got involved in a gang fight. he got cut on the head and was bleeding profusely with blood trickling down his face. he thought to himself: "Fuck, i think i'll need 2 packs of tissue (paper) to stop this bleeding". off he went with his bleeding head and with blood trickling on his face to a mama stall to buy 2 packs of tissue (paper). to his surprised, he used only one pack of tissue (paper). from that day on, he always buys them in twos. you know, that is something that sticks to the mind.
are you getting annoyed with (paper) in brackets? we say tissue when we mean tissue paper. isnt it so?
anyway, i had wanted to take a photo of my car to show you all. then i remembered my cousin saying with a LOT of conviction that to take photos of your vehicles is damn *suay* (aka bad luck) and your car will be involved in an accident, big or small, but sure langar or buang or something. of course i didnt believe it cos it is bullyshit, but it did make me hesitant to take a picture of my car. but me being me, will always want to challenge things went ahead to take a picture one fine day. after that, i was sitting in the car, half expecting an accident. wah lau, can be so silly right you say. ya so silly. then my very clever husband left the keys in the car after locking the car manually (the remote lock sometimes doesnt work). and best part, the auto car lock works very efficiently. 1 minute after you close the doors, it will auto lock. so anyway we were in a hurry and were at a hourly rate car park and got no damn keys. my very clever husband asked me to pick the lock. PICK THE CAR LOCK! freaking think im so clever, if i can pick a car lock i'll be out with too fast too furious team and go shop for cars for free man. i'll be king. i cant bloody pick the car lock for goodness sake though i can pick many other locks but it takes a bloody long time to pick a lock and i dont like to do it. so anyway, he asked me to pick the lock in a matter-of-factly manner. and i actually tried. a bit silly to even think i can. i thought to myself:"wah lau, really take photo of your car will get into trouble mei? so choon ar?" i thought. then i told myself, cannot be, must be a way out. and we started looking around for a metal rod that is flat, like a long metal ruler. luckily there were 2 contractors around (they were retro-fitting a retail shop on a Sunday). we asked for their help. they gave us a locksmith's number but they bloody charge $100 for the job. my husband said to break the glass. !!!! mad man break glass. i said no way. how to clean up the mess later? i said replace glass also got to pay, might as well get locksmith. but we continued to search for mental rod. to my amazement, we opened the lock the movie way. you know in movies, the crooks steal cars by inserting a long metal rod from the window pane? it's true, it works. we just pushed the rod into the slot to find the catch of the lock and "click"! voola! the door opened. all this in 3 mins. i mean the slotting the rod part. finding the rod and walking around thinking for solution took 20 minutes. so, ya, we did it the too fast too furious way. dont try it unnecessarily. im only telling you in case your keys got locked in and you dont have a spare and you dont want to break the windows and you dont want a locksmith, you can try it my way if that happens. that's all.
like there was once one fella told me he always buys tissue paper in twos (two packets)
he said there was once in his school days he got involved in a gang fight. he got cut on the head and was bleeding profusely with blood trickling down his face. he thought to himself: "Fuck, i think i'll need 2 packs of tissue (paper) to stop this bleeding". off he went with his bleeding head and with blood trickling on his face to a mama stall to buy 2 packs of tissue (paper). to his surprised, he used only one pack of tissue (paper). from that day on, he always buys them in twos. you know, that is something that sticks to the mind.
are you getting annoyed with (paper) in brackets? we say tissue when we mean tissue paper. isnt it so?
anyway, i had wanted to take a photo of my car to show you all. then i remembered my cousin saying with a LOT of conviction that to take photos of your vehicles is damn *suay* (aka bad luck) and your car will be involved in an accident, big or small, but sure langar or buang or something. of course i didnt believe it cos it is bullyshit, but it did make me hesitant to take a picture of my car. but me being me, will always want to challenge things went ahead to take a picture one fine day. after that, i was sitting in the car, half expecting an accident. wah lau, can be so silly right you say. ya so silly. then my very clever husband left the keys in the car after locking the car manually (the remote lock sometimes doesnt work). and best part, the auto car lock works very efficiently. 1 minute after you close the doors, it will auto lock. so anyway we were in a hurry and were at a hourly rate car park and got no damn keys. my very clever husband asked me to pick the lock. PICK THE CAR LOCK! freaking think im so clever, if i can pick a car lock i'll be out with too fast too furious team and go shop for cars for free man. i'll be king. i cant bloody pick the car lock for goodness sake though i can pick many other locks but it takes a bloody long time to pick a lock and i dont like to do it. so anyway, he asked me to pick the lock in a matter-of-factly manner. and i actually tried. a bit silly to even think i can. i thought to myself:"wah lau, really take photo of your car will get into trouble mei? so choon ar?" i thought. then i told myself, cannot be, must be a way out. and we started looking around for a metal rod that is flat, like a long metal ruler. luckily there were 2 contractors around (they were retro-fitting a retail shop on a Sunday). we asked for their help. they gave us a locksmith's number but they bloody charge $100 for the job. my husband said to break the glass. !!!! mad man break glass. i said no way. how to clean up the mess later? i said replace glass also got to pay, might as well get locksmith. but we continued to search for mental rod. to my amazement, we opened the lock the movie way. you know in movies, the crooks steal cars by inserting a long metal rod from the window pane? it's true, it works. we just pushed the rod into the slot to find the catch of the lock and "click"! voola! the door opened. all this in 3 mins. i mean the slotting the rod part. finding the rod and walking around thinking for solution took 20 minutes. so, ya, we did it the too fast too furious way. dont try it unnecessarily. im only telling you in case your keys got locked in and you dont have a spare and you dont want to break the windows and you dont want a locksmith, you can try it my way if that happens. that's all.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
